Watch Out For That Wall

Well, it's happened.  For the first time since Mike started seminary and I started internship, I feel like I have truly hit a wall.  Of course, there have been times up to this point where things have felt hectic or even a little crazy, but this just seems more extreme.  Prologue week, doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, evaluations, meetings, dance, basketball, speech, chapel planning, and more fill the calendar this week.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining (well, maybe a little).  It was inevitable that a week like this would hit us as some point during this time.  Our life, in and of itself, is pretty crazy.  Two seminary students (one a first year student and one intern) and four children with a whole host of activities and needs are not the formula for a stress-free lifestyle.  Yet, up until this point in this journey, I have been able to handle what has come my way.

This week started out with a middle of the night trip to the Emergency Room with our youngest, Joey.  He was struggling to breathe, and it ended up that he had croup and was having an asthma attack on top of it.  Poor guy.  I hate when any of my kids are sick!  So, next, Mike started Prologue Week at seminary with a class that goes 8am-4:30pm with meetings at night.  I have my normal intern schedule with my 6 month evaluation due, and the seminary internship coordinator is meeting with my supervisor and my internship committee this week.  The kids have their normal busy lifestyle of practices, lessons, and more.  As I'm writing this, I realize that it's really not that different of a week.  It's actually a fairly normal chaotic schedule.  So, why do I feel like I'm drowning?

Often, when things get busy or chaotic for me, I shift into the "Martha can do all" mode.  I do everything I need to do to control the situation around me.  I over plan and over organize everything around me.  Let me tell you - this is not a pretty sight to behold because I'm usually a ball of nerves ready to explode at any minute.  This week, however, I don't want to do that.  I can't do that.  I'm tired.  I started off the week with very little sleep, and I'm now beginning to wonder if it was a good thing.  Because I am tired (pretty much exhausted), I no longer have the energy to control everything that is going on around me.  So, I am forced to turn to where I should always turn in the first place - to Christ. 

I know this week seems crazy, but with Christ, I can get through it.  I am reminded that Christ walks with me in all times and in all places.  Yet, it is in my moments of stress and weariness that I am reminded of this truth.  So, while this week may bring me to tears, I know that I can't control everything around me.  I also know though that I can find rest, renewal, and strength to make it through this week from Christ. 

It's all about the story.

As I continue to journey through this year as a Vicar, I keep encountering little surprises along the way.  Being in a rural congregation, I try to spend a considerable amount of my time visiting with the members of my congregation - visiting in their homes and learning about their lives.  I have sat at many kitchen tables, had coffee and baked goods, and listened to the precious stories that are dying to be retold again and again.  I have ridden in combines, walked through pig barns, and discussed faith issues and concerns while learning about the rhythm of life on a farm.  I have held the hand of a mourning parishioner and listened to the anxieties of a confused member while learning about their life and the family members who have gone before them. 

While all of my visits and conversations seem so vastly different, the one that thing that they all have in common is the importance of the story.  As I sit and listen to stories about children, health concerns, loss, and more, it is as if I am being given a gift.  It is as if the person leans across the table and hands me a beautiful tapestry of their life that has been woven together over years and years of experiences.  It is an honor to hold that tapestry.  Sometimes that tapestry is full of bright and beautiful colors - depicting happiness and excitement.  Other times, the tapestry is thread bare and worn - life has become tough and unbearable.  Either way, I have been invited into their lives, and asked to embrace the tapestry, and I am humbled by that privilege. 

So, I'm realizing that visits are more than coffee, goodies, and great conversation.  They are invitations to hear and witness the most precious and honored parts of their lives.  You see - it's all about the story.

They call me Vicar

So, here I am.  It's my third year in seminary, and it's my internship year.  I'm serving as "vicar" at St. John's Lutheran Church Bliedorn in Grand Mound, IA.  I have been here 5 weeks, and it has been a joy and privilege to serve this congregation.

I find myself often reflecting on what I am doing here.  Why did I say that?  What am I doing?  How could I change that next time?  How will this help me become a better pastor?  Yet, the question that I realized was not bouncing around in my head these days was "What is God calling me to do?"  I have been so concerned about doing "the right thing" - visiting enough people, attending enough text studies, writing good sermons, and much more - that I haven't slowed down enough to see where God is calling me.

I wonder how my ministry might look if I choose to let go, and seek God's guidance.  This internship year or the many years of ministry to come are not about me, but they are about my learning to following God's calling, and serve God's mission in this world.  It's not about me - whether I am doing the right or wrong things - but it's about God.

So, I hope to continue to write my ponderings this year as I travel through this year of discovery, and hopefully, through my reflection, I will hear the voice of God reminding me that I am infinitely loved and called to participate in God's mission in this world.

Well, Here I Am

So, I've done it.  I've decided to start a blog for my random thoughts.  I seem to have lots of them lately.  Like today, I have been thinking about how we view people who are in need of help.  It's almost as if in our society that you have to prove your moral worthiness before you can get help.  Homeless people, people on welfare, struggling people are all looked down upon because it is assumed that they are lazy, drug addicts, and want to take advantage of the system.  Don't get me wrong.  There are people out there that fall into those categories, but what about the people who are hard-working people who just can't seem to catch a break? 

I don't know why this topic has been bouncing about in my brain today so much.  Maybe it's the posts that I have seen on facebook or maybe it's because my family will probably will be in need of aid starting this summer.  I'm heading to seminary, and we will be down to one income if we are lucky.  There is a chance that we won't have an income at all other than financial aid.  We've talked to many families at the seminary who are on food stamps and Medicaid.  Let me tell you that I am certainly thankful for those programs, but I wonder if my family and I will be looked upon differently by people who don't know us.  If people, by some chance, see me using my benefits at the store or at the doctor, will they assume that I am lazy or maybe even a drug addict? 

Jesus calls us to help the poor, right?  Where does it say in scripture that we get to judge the poor while we are helping them or even not help them because of our assumptions? 

Just my thoughts and ponderings for the day.